Wednesday, March 16, 2011

More Bang ups and Hang ups

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.
~Maya Angelou

I made it through the past week without a breakdown. I earned it. Today I felt defeated. I have held it together, put on my big girl panties and helped Liam fight his battle. I knew after surgery the battle wouldn't be over, but I felt he was getting better.

Today I cried. I cried all afternoon while Liam slept. We all know how Liam has been stuggling with food for the past 6 months. Yesterday the oncologist recommended a feeding tube to get Liam nutrients and hopefully stimulate his appetite. This morning the surgeon came in recommending the same thing. I told him I didn't want that for Liam, but all the doctors agreed it was what was best for him. I had to do what was best for him so I allowed the feeding tube.

It was very traumatic. It was traumatic for Liam, who had to be held down while a tube was put in his nose. Who needed the tube readjusted twice. It was traumatic for Mom, who had to leave the room while Liam wafs x-rayed 3 different times to check the position of the tube. Who had to listen to her baby scream and cry. So as Liam slept away the afternoon, I cried.

I cannot bring myself to take a picture of him yet, so no pictures today.
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  1. You'll have those ups and downs, Mama. But remember, it's best for your baby boy to get food so he can stay strong and fight! My little girl had to get full body x-rays when she fractured her skull (to make sure we weren't physically abusing her....!), and she screamed and cried - it was so traumatic for me, as they put her head in a vice-like grip. But about 10 minutes after it was done, she was sleeping peacefully again. He won't remember any of this, and it's all to make him better!

  2. Thinking of you, Dawn... I can't imagine what it must be like to watch Liam go through all this, but at the same time I have to think that at the end of the day when you all make it through this that the only thing he'll remember is that his mommy was there for him. Stay strong, love.